Birth Regrets

Since I've had Sam, almost all of my pregnant friends have given birth naturally, with no drugs. While I am extremely happy for them, each time it happens I feel more and more regret about my own birth experience. That little twinge of regret gets deeper each time, and I honestly feel like a complete failure. Granted, none of these women had 32 hour labors like I did, but I still feel like that shouldn't be an excuse.

I know the important thing is that I have a healthy baby, right? Then why do these feelings keep hanging on? It's been 3 months now, and I still feel depressed and full of regret that I had to give in and get an epidural. I feel like I failed at giving birth, and I wish I could do it over again. I hate that I feel this way about what should be a wonderful experience.

12 Weeks Postpartum

Well, it's been 12 weeks since my little ray of sunshine came into the world. I've been updating you as much as possible on her growth, but I figured I'd take a few minutes to let you know how I'm doing. Things are going great! The baby blues only lasted for the first couple of weeks. (I still have a draft post that I want to share with you when I get the time to edit it, just to give you a window into the way I was feeling for a while. I was feeling happy again before I got around to editing it though, so I never posted it.)

Anyway, we have been on the go since Sam was about 5 weeks old. We started by going on walks with other mommies. Soon, we added in playgroups and other outings. Now not a day goes by that we aren't doing at least one fun thing! Sammy gets restless when we stay at home now (so do I!) so I usually try to come up with an errand if there is nothing on the calendar. At first I was trying to do anything and everything, but now I'm trying to limit it to one thing a day so I don't overwhelm myself.

A couple weeks ago I started going to Stroller Strides which has been AWESOME. I lost almost all my pregnancy weight just by breastfeeding, but once I got to 7 pounds I got stuck. Now, since I've been working out 3-5 times a week, I've already lost 5 of those pounds. Only 2 more pounds to go!!! My main goal at this point is to get my muscle back - I'm not so concerned about the number anymore. I just want to be fit again, and to lose the belly flab. I am feeling great since I started working out! Stroller Strides is fun, too. Sam and I get to get outside every morning and spend time with other moms and babies. And we get exercise on top of that!!! It's been great. The rest of the week we attend walks, playgroups, or other events with other moms. Life is so busy and exciting.

Things are going to have to change soon though. I recently had to tell my employer that I wouldn't be able to return to work. Mike and I have realized that with the cost of daycare it just wasn't worth my working all day long. I'd really only be working to pay for child care, and that's just not something we want to do. I was hoping to be able to work for them from home, but that's a no-go. So I am now looking for part-time work from home since we need a supplemental income. I want to keep up my exercise routine, but after my workouts I need to get home and start looking for work. It's going to be a change, but it will be a good change.

So far I haven't been able to leave Sam with a sitter. She doesn't even do well with Daddy yet, so we definitely can't leave her with someone else. I did go out for a quick massage the other night and she and Mike managed to work things out and were getting along great when I got home. We just need to do that a few more times until she gets more comfortable. I am looking forward to a real Mom's Night Out, and hopefully it won't be too much longer before Mom and Dad get a real date night!

In some ways it seems like the past 3 months have flown by. But then at times it feels like Sam has been with us forever - like life without her was a whole lifetime ago. She really does complete our family, and I love her more than I ever imagined I could. She really is the best baby in the world!!!

Twelve Weeks

Eleven Weeks

Ten Weeks

Nine Weeks

2 Months - Doctor Visit

Today Samantha had her 2-month Well Baby visit. She is doing great!

Height: 23" (74th percentile)
Weight: 11lb 9oz (70th percentile)
Head Circumference: 38cm (25th percentile)

She definitely has my little head! And she's pretty tall, too. She is definitely a good eater - she's growing fast!

Sam did pretty well for her vaccinations. She took the oral vaccine really well, and hardly spit out any of it. I guess she likes strawberry flavor. :) The injections were a bit harder on her. The nurse said she was very strong since she kept flexing her muscles when the nurse put the needles in. Must be from all the standing exercises! Sam cried first in pain, and then she switched to an angry cry. It was heartbreaking - I must admit, Mommy cried a little too. :,( But, I nursed her after her shots, and she calmed down quickly. Samantha slept for the first few hours, but after waking up, the pain kicked in. I gave her a dose of Infant Tylenol and nursed her, and now she's trying to relax. The shots were in her thighs, so every time she flexes her legs it hurts her. Poor baby! She's doing pretty well though as long as I can keep her comfortable. I am already dreading the next round of vaccines at 4 months, but I know it's for the best!

Vote for Sam's Nursery!

I entered Samantha's nursery in a contest, because let's face it - I'm pretty proud of the way it turned out! As many of you know, I LOVE Alice in Wonderland, so as soon as I found out we were having a girl, I knew I had to create an Alice themed nursery. The pictures don't do it justice, so you as insiders are going to get lucky and see more photos here on my blog. :)

Anyway, if we win, we could get a free vacation (I need one!). So please, head on over to the contest site and vote for us! :)

Rate My Nursery

And just for you, here's some more pics!
(The last 3 photos were taken by Tessa of Grin and Share it Photography.)

Two Months

Dear Samantha,

Today you are two months old. I can't believe how fast you are growing! This month has been a very busy one for you. You have definitely gotten taller, and your little thighs are getting chunkier. You definitely aren't a rolly polly fat baby, but you sure aren't a skinny baby, either! You are just the perfect size, and you get cuter every day.

In the past couple of weeks you have really started smiling a lot. You aren't just smiling randomly anymore - we are actually getting responsive smiles from you. The other night you smiled and laughed at Daddy for the first time and it was the most amazing, sweet moment for us both. You are especially smiley in the mornings when I get you dressed. We love to look and smile at each other for a long time each morning. You sure make Mommy laugh with your smiles and giggles!

You are getting more and more aware of your surroundings. You are always looking around at things that catch your attention. You love to look at bright lights! There are some paintings that I made of Dexter and Chloe that you just love to look at. The big eyes and the contrast of the black and white fur is very interesting to you. When I put you in the Ergo carrier, you like to stand straight as a board so your head sticks way out the top. You like to look all around and see where we are. The fair was VERY exciting for you!

Your new game is "Stand Up, Sit Down." You like it when we hold you in our laps and you straighten your legs to stand up. You stand up for longer and longer periods of time now. Your legs are getting so strong! Standing up is one of your favorite games to play with Daddy.

The other day you actually rolled over for the first time! The other night you were lying on your tummy and were trying very hard to roll to your back. You needed a little bit of help, so your Pappy put his hand on your foot for you to push off of. Then you rolled all the way onto your back! The next morning while you were at playgroup, you were lying on your back and the next thing I knew, you were on your back - you had quickly rolled over all by yourself! Mommy was SO proud. :)

This month you got to meet another grandparent - your Pappy from Ohio is here visiting. He loves to hold you and play with you! He is already making plans to come out to visit you for your first birthday.

Tomorrow is your 2-month doctor visit. I am excited for them to weigh and measure you so we can see how much you've grown, but I'm also very nervous because you will be getting your first round of vaccinations. I know it's very important for you, and I will feel better having you out and about once you are vaccinated, but I am afraid it will hurt you and you will be very sad. I will be right there to comfort you though. I know you will be a tough girl and will do just fine!

I love you very much, Samantha, and I can't wait to see how much you grow in your 3rd month!

Love,
Mommy

Eight Weeks