Thursday, January 21, 2010

My Greatest Fear

I've been doing a lot of thinking and visualizing in preparation for childbirth, and it has been helping me to pin point areas in which I have concerns. I have found that my greatest fear right now is not of labor or of childbirth, or even of raising a child. My greatest fear is that I will be bored with my baby. I have been reading that it is good to spend an hour or more with your baby immediately after birth so that we can all bond as a family. This sounds wonderful, but my first thought is "what if I get bored with her and don't want to just cuddle together for hours?" She's not going to do much at that young age - will I enjoy just holding her and looking at her for hours on end? What if I get bored and I don't want to just hold her? And the fear extends beyond those first moments after birth - babies just don't really do a lot at a very young age. Am I going to stay entertained by spending time with her? I can't imagine what I would do for hours on end with a baby that doesn't really do much other than eat and sleep and poop.

I feel that this makes me a bad mother. What kind of mother would be worried about enjoying time with her own baby?

I'm sure it's different when it's your own child. A couple of weeks ago I was holding my friend's baby, Payton. I could have held her for hours, simply in awe of how amazingly tiny and perfect she is. I can only hope that once I meet my own baby, this feeling of awe will be amplified by 100 times or more, and I will be more than content to spend hours at a time with her without getting bored.

Is this a normal thing to be concerned about? Did anyone else have this fear? Once your baby was born, did you find that it was nothing to worry about? I hate feeling this way, but I think I will feel better once I express my concern, and hopefully get some responses from others!


Annie and Jordan said...

I tried to comment and the computer freaked out so I lost it. My main point was that its a totally rational fear and my advice is to get involved in things outside of the house! Mommy groups, volunteering, church (not sure if you do that...but volunteering works), a gym with mommy n me classes or childcare for while you are working out, just anything to make it not all about the purely one-on-one time. I know that is important too but I think I will go crazy without being out and about. I don't sit still well :) This might help especially if you don't end up going back to work!

My other response was much more eloquent...sorry!

Tessa said...

Oh sweetie, your feelings are completely normal. Trust me, the minute she is born you will love her and just watch her for hours.

With G I worried that I wouldn't love her as much as I did Belle. Since I had 6 years with Isabelle and we have this incredible bond (she is my buddy) I was like, is there enough love in my heart to feel this way again? And you know what, there is!!! And my connection with her is different than with Belle since I know she's my last.

Also, you're not weird if there's not an instant "oh my god" moment! This has happened to my friends. Some had to get to know their babies and with one, her baby had colic so it took her much longer to bond with him. This is normal too! Either way you will be a wonderful Mom and you will love being a Mommy.

Seriously, feel free to call or email if you ever want to talk or have any questions!

mrsdanigirl8 said...

Sometimes I wish I had MORE time in the day just to hang out with E. He is truly fascinating and definitely keeps my time occupied. Even when he was small there was never a lack of things to do.

I didn't start up with my mommy group until he was about 7 months old but there are moms with younger babies there and they just love the interaction with other babies and mommies.

While I didn't even think about that during my pregnancy I'm sure it's definitely rational. But I wouldn't worry too much about it. If a stranger's baby makes you feel the way you did than I'm sure when your little one comes into this world you'll feel the same way.

In the first few weeks of E's life I had a stiff neck from looking down at him so much :)

Alanna said...

Thanks, girls. I'm sure things will be fine...I just hate to have worries like this! Annie, I definitely like the idea of staying busy - I've already joined a new mommy group up in my area, so I will definitely find things to do to keep us entertained. And Tessa, I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who has worried about things like this. You girls are the best - I'm so glad to have friends like you! :)

CB said...

Aawww you're so cute. I have no maternal instinct at all (Maybe I'm the weird one?) but I have a feeling that you WILL love your baby 100x... strike that... a frillion times more than you can imagine. Or so I've heard ;) I can't wait to meet mini Alanna! If she's anything like her mom, she's already practically perfect in every way. :)

zebe912 said...

The fact that you're thinking ahead and concerned about this means you're ALREADY a good mommy.

Alanna said...

Aw, thanks! :) That made me feel better. :)

Melissa said...

The feelings are normal. Like I posted in my birth story, I was so upset with P before going into my c-section, like it was her fault that my body wasn't cooperating. I was actually disgusted and regretted the entire thing. But once I woke up and Jim brought her over I was in awe and all I could do was cry. I think before they arrive we get ourselves so worked up, thinking about life now vs. after. You will be fine pretty lady. There are moments where I get bored because I want her to do something more like talk, but she'll wake up from a nap and just gaze at me and get excited and my dear that's what its all about. Building the bond PP is the best thing.

Try not to worry about these things, because once she comes out all your maternal instincts will just take over. You have a great support team and you can always ask any of us for help.


Sorry I am rambling.