Last night I had a talk with the hubs, hoping that he would see eye-to-eye with me and agree to consult with a few doulas. Things didn't go quite as I had hoped. I was under the impression that he was coming around to the idea and would let me do whatever I felt was necessary, but apparently I was wrong!
I shared with him the many reasons that I felt a doula would be helpful to us:
(Many of these reasons were things I learned from Dou-la-la's blog in response to Baby Making Machine's post about her doula dilemma.)
1. Labor can be LONG, and Mike will want time to nap, shower, eat, etc. The doula would be with me during that time to give him a break.
2. I (and Mike) am very likely to forget some of the pain management techniques I have learned, and it would be very helpful to have a doula there to remind us.
3. I will probably get crazy towards the end and struggle with pain, etc. Mike will probably have a hard time watching me in pain, and will get worried. A doula can reassure us both that things are okay. She can help him know how to help me so that he won't feel helpless and/or concerned about my well-being.
4. The doula can help Mike stay focused and calm.
5. If the doctors or nurses say medications or interventions are necessary, the doula can help us decide for ourselves whether we actually need them or not.
6. The doula can be the liaison between the medical staff and us so that Mike is free to stay and support me and not get caught up in the technicalities.
7. Labor is usually shorter, and natural births are usually more successful with a doula.
8. A doula could help save money by helping prevent unnecessary interventions which may not be completely covered by insurance.
9. A doula can be more objective and can help in stressful or scary situations whereas a husband may himself be too scared or nervous to think clearly.
10. I often have a hard time taking orders from Mike. I am afraid that when I am in extreme pain, if he tells me what I *should* be doing, I will get irritated rather than receptive. In that case, I think I would have an easier time "taking orders" from a woman who knew physically what I was going through at that time.
11. I'm not so concerned about MY doctor - he is supportive of natural childbirth. However, during the long process of labor, I will have several different nurses and members of the hospital staff attending to me. I have no idea what their views on childbirth will be, or what their bedside manner will be. If I have a doula, we will have a consistent source of support and not have to worry about shift changes and possibly getting a nurse that we clash with.
Unfortunately, he doesn't see things this way. I tried to reassure him that my desire for a doula has NOTHING to do with my level of trust in him. I simply want a doula because all the research I have done shows that natural births are more successful with a doula. I want a doula for the additional benefits, not to replace my husband.
However, my husband does not see it this way. He sees my desire for a doula as a personal insult to him. He feels that all these things I have listed as the duties of a doula are things that should be HIS role in childbirth.
So for now, all thoughts of hiring a doula are OUT. I was very upset about this last night, but I guess we'll just have to work through it and hope things work out for the best. I asked Mike to please pay VERY close attention in our childbirth classes, as he is going to be responsible for reminding me of all pain management techniques, and treating me in a gentle, supportive, and understanding way. I am hoping that this childbirth class based on "Birthing From Within" will teach him what he needs to know. He does not like to read, so this class will really be the only way he becomes aware of the roles I need him to play.
Maybe through this class he will find that a doula would NOT be replacing him, but rather would be an added help for us both. By the time we are finished with the class I'll be towards the end of my pregnancy, but I suppose it's not too late. And who knows - maybe we will learn a lot and find that we don't need a doula.
I'm really nervous about childbirth again. I'm scared that with just the two of us, we won't have luck with an unmedicated birth - wish us luck! If anyone has any reassurance in successfully having an unmedicated birth with their husband as their only support, please share it - I need it right now!!!
4 comments:
1: Don't give up on something you want. In the end, even if he is the greatest support in the world, it is still you that will go through labor and delivery. He can only help so far and the rest comes from you.
2: Watch birth movies. There are hundreds on youtube. Show him what birth is like. Also watch The Business of Being Born to prepare for the hospital natural birth. Maybe it will help him see you will need an extra person there if only for crowd control.
3: Read books. Prepare as much as you can for birth. I would even quiz him after your classes to see how much he has learned. It helps to make it all stick. And since you said he doesn't like to read the stuff, it will help him prepare.
4: Try to find other dads that have used doulas. Getting the knowledge from another man might help. See if you can interview doulas with him there too. Sometimes getting information straight from the horses mouth helps. That way it doesn't seem like it is only your opinion.
You're doing great hun. You still have time, but don't give up on it.
Hugs!
I'm sorry for being so blunt and apologize to Mike if this insults him but YOU are the one who is going to be in labor. Not him.
He will NOT know what to expect nor will he know exactly what to do at what time no matter how prepared he becomes. A doula is TRAINED for labor! S/he knows what to expect and what to try next when one thing isn't working.
He really needs to realize that this decision should be yours. He will be there to be your labor coach and to be at your side but having a doula present should give both parents a peace of mind.
You are wonderful for even giving him the option to state his opinion. I sure didn't give one to Joseph. :)
I was going to suggest the things the other gals did.
Many of the women I know who have had natural, and even home births, advocate strongly that even though the baby is both of yours, your body is yours and you need to care for it. You get to make choices about the most traumatic thing your body might ever experience aside from your own birth.
Do you know any other dads who participated in natural births with a doula present? It may help a LOT for him to talk to another guy about this. That has become one of the most important connections and resources on our natural parenting board--a chance for dad's to get advice & perspective from someone who has been through it before. It's different hearing it from a guy than from a woman.
He still has quite a while to work through all of this and he may still come around. If you are totally nervous without having a doula there, it could make your labor a lot more difficult. Anxiety can do that. If having a doula there is going to give you peace of mine so that you can concentrate on birth rather than fear, that is really important!
Hey dude! Totally cool blog- what a nice idea. And I love that little "I'm so crafty I make people" thing. Hilarious.
Anyway, I had a successful natural, unmedicated birth (complete with 72 hours of labor, 2.5 hours of pushing, a hospital with a 90% epidural rate, a 9 lb 3 oz baby, etc) without a doula. I had the EXACT SAME conversation with Travis- he felt almost insulted that I would consider such a thing, blah blah. In the end we opted not to have a doula mainly because of the cost, but if money grew on trees I would have pushed for it.
Overall everything turned out fantastically, and I would be happy to talk to you about the whole thing! It was only 10 months ago, so I remember it all quite vividly...
I'm not sure if this will show my name or not, but this is Sarah Blalock. Yay babies! My email is sarahlapidotblalock@gmail, or of course, The Facebook.
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